Jokes Jokes Jokes

[Chiron]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "this seat is actually empty."

"This is incredible!" exclaimed the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

"Well, the seat actually belongs to me," explains the neighbor sadly "I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, a relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.
"No," he says, "They're all at the funeral."

[Chiron]

Miss Agatha was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Agatha had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its weird contents, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer.
"Miss Agatha," he said pointing to the bowl "I wonder if you would tell me about this..."

"Oh yes," she replied brightening, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the curb. The instructions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent unpleasant diseases. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[Jherrith]

Oh my giddy aunt

[thelufias]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.

This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.

With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

[Jherrith]

Exquisite

[sidherose]

Exquisite

Agreed!

[dRaCX]

Damn Skippy!!!
 

[Chiron]

         :yeow:          

Reminds me of my mother-in-law († 97), not an enemy in the world, she rests in peace now - though in the next coffin my poor father-in-law's bones are probably going through a pretty rough time...

[Chiron]

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

[Chiron]

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the local people, teaching them to read, to write and to be good Christians.
One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin - Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

After so many years one day the wife of a tribe's dignitary gives birth to a white child.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You speak much evils of sex", he says menacingly to the man of God,"but black woman here makes white child. You only white man here! We no dumb, Father!"

The missionary, somewhat alarmed, replies hastily,
"No, no, my good man! You are certainly mistaken. What you have here must be a natural occurrence - what is called an 'albino'. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them there is a black one. Nature will do this on occasion, and shall not be questioned!"

The chief pauses for a moment, considers, then says,
"Tell you what, Father: you speak nothing about black sheep, I speak nothing about white child, OK?"