Fantasies Attic

Entertainment Room => JOKE OF THE DAY....NEW LOCATION => Topic started by: thelufias on January 06, 2018, 05:37:35 PM

Title: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 06, 2018, 05:37:35 PM
Fred and Mary got married, but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
 
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on January 06, 2018, 06:09:40 PM
Oops and  :nopanic; :yikes:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Aelin on January 07, 2018, 08:49:30 AM
 :thud:  :(ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 08, 2018, 06:44:46 PM
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words and she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."

"Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day.  Does anyone know another word."

"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"Ok Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables." the Teacher replied.

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "OK Johnny, what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"

"No Maam, you're thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 10, 2018, 03:19:24 PM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
 
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 16, 2018, 06:13:30 PM
Little Johnny's father asked for report card.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 24, 2018, 01:18:12 PM
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
 
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.  Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 12, 2018, 04:18:11 AM
What a relief to see something still stirring outside the Coffee Shop and Gardens! :winks:

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mom.

"Mom look, there’s a finger in the shark tank! Mom? Mooooom???!!!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 12, 2018, 04:22:41 AM
"Well, how was at school today, Johnny?"

"Er... you don’t really want to know, mom. You’ll see it later on the news
anyway..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on February 12, 2018, 05:20:24 AM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 12, 2018, 08:40:11 AM
One morning at school:

"Now, who is going to give me a sentence using the word 'geometry'?"

The whole class stays silent for a while, then little Johnny raises his hand:

"A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said 'Gee, I'm a tree! About time!' "
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 12, 2018, 08:50:14 AM
Little Johnny's Dad takes him aside and asks him discretely if he already knows those things about birds and bees.

"I don't want to know!" snaps Little Johnny, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks him what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus! Then, no Easter Bunny! And then no Tooth Fairy! If you're about to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 13, 2018, 11:37:49 AM
The teacher asks the class:

"Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand: "None!"

"Now listen carefully: four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

"None."

"Johnny, would you care to explain that answer?"

"Sure: one is shot, the others fly away. So there are none left."

"Well... that isn't really the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

"Ms. Brambley, can I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

"Mmmh... the one that sucks the cone?"

"No, the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 13, 2018, 03:12:25 PM
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows the numbers.

"Yes," he says. "my daddy taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three?"

"Four."

"And what comes after six?"

"Seven."


"Very good!" approves the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?"

"The jack."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 13, 2018, 08:23:46 PM
LOLOL.....Awesome ones Chiron........Glad someone else is chipping in......
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 13, 2018, 08:28:36 PM
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 13, 2018, 08:30:06 PM
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 13, 2018, 08:31:16 PM
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 14, 2018, 01:37:26 AM
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"


There's an adult version as well...

"Mommy, can a 5 year old girl have babies?"

"Why Johnny, certainly not! Why are you asking?"


Little Johnny doesn't answer and stares in the void, gloomy and upset.

"Johnny, what's up? Tell your Mommy!"

"
Well... that f**king little bitch made me sell my tricycle to pay for the abortion!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 14, 2018, 01:45:53 AM
Little Johnny is digging a hole in his backyard.
The neighbor looks at him over the fence, curious.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?"

"My goldfish is dead, I'm gonna bury him."

"Wow, that's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

"That's because he's inside your cat!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 14, 2018, 10:53:58 AM
LOLOL....there is ALWAYS an adult version to Little Johnny Jokes.....

And got a kick out of the Cat one LOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 14, 2018, 10:56:53 AM
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 15, 2018, 10:06:18 AM
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him and angrily says "That's cruelty! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon Johnny's Dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's cruelty! No butter for you for one month!" he shouts sternly.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and whispers "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 15, 2018, 04:43:58 PM
:tearlaugh: I bet he doesn't tell her.......
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 15, 2018, 04:53:32 PM
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.

It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 16, 2018, 08:10:09 AM
As long as this "good" IP address lasts...

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the words defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny closes his eyes, thinks hard for a while and then says "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 16, 2018, 08:16:28 AM
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asks
"What’s the matter now?"

"
Dad was hanging a picture and just hit his thumb with the hammer", he says through his tears.

"Oh come on!", soothes Mommy, "I understand you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"

"That's what I did!" sobs Johnny.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 16, 2018, 05:01:49 PM
:tearlaugh: Bwaaaaa Haaaaa Haaaaa.....

Awesome ones....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 16, 2018, 05:03:10 PM
Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 21, 2018, 03:37:04 AM
The Sunday school teacher asks:

"Now Johnny, tell me frankly: do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," replies Little Johnny, "We don’t have to, my Mom is a great cook!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 21, 2018, 03:44:55 AM
Five year old Little Johnny is lost. Weeping he looks for a policeman and sobs:

"I can't find my dad!"

The policeman reassures him:

 "Oh come on kid, we'll find him in no time. What's he like?"

"
Uh, mostly beer and broads..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 21, 2018, 12:45:51 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

Love that second one......but both were great...
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 21, 2018, 02:21:34 PM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on February 22, 2018, 05:36:36 AM
The Sunday school teacher asks:

"Now Johnny, tell me frankly: do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," replies Little Johnny, "We don’t have to, my Mom is a great cook!"

:duh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on February 22, 2018, 05:37:50 AM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Things that make you go :ummm:

Or out of the mouth of babes and primates :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 22, 2018, 09:20:25 AM
Little Johnny is in church with his Mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly feels nauseous.

"Mom, I must throw up!"

"Oh no..." whispers his Mom under her breath, "then you'll better run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes, there nobody will see you."

Little Johnny runs for the door. Before long he's back to the pew next to his Mom, with a look of relief on his young face.

"Wow, that was fast! Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"No need, Mom. Just as I got to the front door I found a box that read 'FOR THE SICK' ".
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 22, 2018, 12:00:32 PM
 :tearlaugh: Bwaaaa Haaa Haaa...
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 22, 2018, 12:08:28 PM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Scouseaphrenia on February 27, 2018, 06:18:59 PM
Hey grandad... Can I ask you a question for my homework?


Sure Johnny...


Where did you come from?


Oh... Er... Um.... They found me in the cabbage patch.


Some note-taking... OK!


Hey dad.... Where did you come from?


Oh...Er... Um... The vicar gave me to your mother.


More note-taking... OK!


Hey big bro... Where did you come from?


Oh... Er... Um... The stork flew down and left me on the doorstep.


Yet more notes... Ok!


Late all three decide to see what this homework answer was...




"I have conversed with the pertinent familial members and as far as I can ascertain there has been no intercourse in this family for three generations."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 28, 2018, 03:04:51 AM
 "Daddy, can you write in the dark?"

"I should think so, Johnny. What would you want me to write?"

"Oh, just your name on this report card..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 28, 2018, 12:38:15 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  Awesome ones Scouse and Chiron.  Your making my job tough....Now I have to find one that's just as awesome LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 28, 2018, 12:44:38 PM
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"

Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..."

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"

Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month."

The teacher bends over to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.

Teacher: "Why are you going out?"

Johnny: "With what I just saw I think my school days are over."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 24, 2018, 05:58:28 PM
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.

The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on March 25, 2018, 05:49:05 AM
You might be right Hedd: I still remember my heyday when I had a little book with the best ones painstakingly listed up for just in case...


"If you had a dollar," the teacher asks little Johnny, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar."

 "You don't know your basic math", says the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shakes his head too:
"You don't know my Daddy."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on March 25, 2018, 07:29:56 AM
All right Hedd, to my shame I will admit that a few of those I posted weren't actually googled: either I remembered them from a remote past or I just made them up - the trick is, never confess they're your own stuff :grin:
Which blatantly belies the hypothesis that jokes must be of extraterrestrial origin as no-one ever conceded having created one  :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 25, 2018, 03:11:15 PM
Believe me.....I have a hard time remembering my first name let alone a bunch of jokes  :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   

I have SITES that do my remembering for me.....woooooohoooooo
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 25, 2018, 03:24:44 PM
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his.

It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on March 26, 2018, 09:35:23 AM
Little Johnny comes home and proudly announces to his parents:
"Mom, Dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents, greatly pleased, congratulate him:
"That's really amazing Johnny! And what was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, the boy answers:
 "Who farted?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 26, 2018, 10:53:28 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  Loved that one.....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 26, 2018, 11:06:47 AM
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class,
"Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on April 03, 2018, 04:18:12 PM
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."

"Can you tell me what comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven," answers little Johnny.

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," answers little Johnny.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on April 26, 2018, 03:30:22 PM
An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on June 23, 2018, 04:31:19 AM
Before Little Johnny grows too old...

"Mom, Mom, I don't want to go to America! It's so far away..."

"Shut up Johnny, save your breath and swim!"


(obviously an European Little Johnny from the time when immigration was still possible...)
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on June 23, 2018, 07:22:22 AM
LOLOL.....Good One....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on June 23, 2018, 10:17:09 AM
"Mom, the boys at school make fun of me all the time! They say I sleep in a coffin!"

"Let them talk Johnny, they're just envious..."

"But today George called me Dracula's offspring!"

"Oh c'mon dear, you know it isn't true! Now be a good boy and eat your soup before it clots."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on June 23, 2018, 11:08:44 AM
Bwaaaahaaahaaa.......Good one....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on June 23, 2018, 11:20:34 AM
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.

A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate."

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on June 23, 2018, 11:40:27 AM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 06, 2018, 12:04:17 PM
Little Mary came back home after school and said,

"Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!"

"And how did this happen?"  the mother asked indignantly,  but in surprise.

"It wasn't easy, but three of my classmates helped me to hold him down until he kissed me."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 20, 2018, 08:10:10 AM
One night Little Johnny peeks through the keyhole of his parents’ bedroom. He stares for a minute and then shakes his head, disgusted:

"And they keep telling me not to pick my nose!!!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 20, 2018, 08:14:17 AM
Little Johnny stands before the front door and cries. A guy sees him and asks

"Why all the crying, little guy?"

"I can’t reach the doorbell!"

The man rings the bell for him and smiles at the boy. Little Johnny grins back at him,

"Great! And now let's run away as fast as we can!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 20, 2018, 10:57:25 AM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

Good ones.......
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 20, 2018, 11:13:30 AM

Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son.

It's time to go to school!"

"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.     And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 21, 2018, 02:34:39 AM
Daddy has bought a new pocket lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever a lie is told in close proximity.

Little Johnny comes home in the early afternoon.

Daddy asks him
"How was school today Johnny?"

"Well, boring as usual..."

"BEEP"

"Er... OK Daddy... uh, I went to a movie..."

"BEEP"

Little Johnny blushes
"Ahem... alright Dad, I had a beer or two with George and Harvey, know how it is..."

Daddy barks
"What?! And aren't you ashamed?! I never ever tasted alcohol at your age!"

"BEEP"

Mommy laughs
"Ha ha ha! Well, he really is your son!"

"BEEP"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 21, 2018, 02:38:32 AM
Little Johnny runs crying to his mom
"Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the face!"

Grandpa approaches
"Stop lying you little bastard or I’ll do it again!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 21, 2018, 02:43:08 AM
Daddy is reading some bedtime stories to put little Johnny asleep.

Half an hour later Mommy opens quietly the door and asks
"And, is he asleep?"

Little Johnny replies
"Yes, finally!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 21, 2018, 07:51:44 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

Good Ones All.......  :knelvis:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 22, 2018, 04:15:15 AM
"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In the stork?"

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 22, 2018, 04:20:27 AM
"Mom, can I play with grandpa?"

"No Johnny, you just leave him hanging until the police come."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 22, 2018, 04:39:54 AM
The English teacher writes on the blackboard:

'I didn’t had no fun for months.'

Then she faces the class,
"OK class, what's wrong with this?"

Little Johnny raises his hand,
"Uh... perhaps you need a better endowed boyfriend..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 23, 2018, 08:45:43 AM
  :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   Good ones all ....Even snakehead would get a chuckle LOL....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 23, 2018, 02:04:08 PM
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny, she says, "what comes after "O"?

Johnny says, "Yeah!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 23, 2018, 02:05:33 PM
Little Johnny: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.

Little Johnny: Well, you could try.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 23, 2018, 02:06:12 PM
The Teacher asked Little Johnny,

"How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 23, 2018, 03:10:15 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on July 23, 2018, 03:16:49 PM
Second the motion
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 23, 2018, 03:24:05 PM
"Little Johnny, why the hell did you put your teddy in the freezer?"

"I want a polar bear!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 23, 2018, 03:33:03 PM
Little Johnny asks Daddy:

"Daddy, where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know son, meteorology never was my forte."

"Daddy, why do dogs bark?"

"Hmm, let's see... because they want to bark, I guess."

"Daddy, why is the Earth round?"

"Uh... I'm sure there's a good reason, but I forgot..."

"Daddy, does it bother you that I ask so many questions?"

"By no means son! Ask me as much as you wish, or else you will never learn anything."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 23, 2018, 03:39:30 PM
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday.

But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma,
"Granny, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?"

"Darling, I'm sorry but I just couldn't use it, it was so scratchy... after all those years I’ve got used to the toilet paper, you know."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 23, 2018, 04:12:58 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

These were great ones...

Now I'll have to replace the toilet brush the great grand gave me for Christmas  :java:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 25, 2018, 12:56:32 PM
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny!

What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 29, 2018, 12:40:23 PM
"Charlie, why do you keep saying I'm a bad mother?"

"My name is Johnny, Mom!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 29, 2018, 12:44:00 PM
"Grandpa, do you have a life insurance?"

"No Johnny, when I die I want y'all to cry, not to laugh"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on July 29, 2018, 01:06:13 PM
Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.

The mayor sees him and asks,
"Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?"

"I’m taking her to the bull so she gets pregnant."

The mayor is outraged,
"Aw... I think that should definitely be your father's job!"

Little Johnny thinks for a while and shakes his head,
"Nah sir, I think that's really better left with the bull."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 29, 2018, 03:34:18 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

Excellent ones....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 03, 2018, 10:59:12 AM
"Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"

"No Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you? You will be getting turkey like everyone else!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 03, 2018, 11:08:07 AM
 :yeow: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 03, 2018, 11:13:44 AM
"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 03, 2018, 11:20:52 AM
"Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?"

"Uh, maybe because I helped her..."

"But that is a good thing you did! What did you help her with?"

"Er... eat her gummy bears."

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 03, 2018, 11:23:47 AM
The Sunday school teacher asks Little Johnny,
"Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"

"No," says Little Johnny knowledgeably, "It's just like with Santa Claus, I know it's really my dad."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 03, 2018, 11:24:34 AM
LOLOL....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on August 03, 2018, 04:59:22 PM
:thud:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 04, 2018, 01:44:03 AM
The innovative teacher was running an experiment aimed at broadening the children's horizons through sensory perception.

She distributed among the children a variety of lifesavers candy, and asked them:
"Now children, I want you to close your eyes, taste them one by one, and tell me what they taste like."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when it came to the honey-flavored lifesavers the kids were puzzled.
"Let me give you a hint," said the teacher, "It's something your Mommy would call your Daddy all the time."

Panicking Little Johnny spat his onto the floor and shouted to the class:
"Spit'em out, quick! The bitch gave us assholes!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 04, 2018, 01:53:44 AM
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created Heaven and Earth. Little Johnny had listened attentively when they came to how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

A few days later his mother saw him lying down as though he were ill.
"Johnny, what is the matter? What's wrong with you?"

Little Johnny groaned,
"I've got a pain in my chest Mom, it hurts... I'm afraid I'm going to have a wife!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 04, 2018, 02:12:08 AM
Little Johnny and a Little Suzie are playing in the garden.
Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says proudly:
"I have this and you don't, he he he!"

Little Suzie stares dismayed, then starts crying in disappointment and runs home to her mother.

The next day Little Johnny and Little Suzie are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and mocks her:
"I have this and you don't, he he he!"

Little Suzie stares at his thingy with condescension, then pulls up her dress and smirks:
"Pfui! Mom told me that with this when I grow up I can have as many of those as I want!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 04, 2018, 08:08:48 AM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 06, 2018, 02:27:03 AM
Little Johnny's sitting in the front row at a soccer match.

His friend asks:
"How did you get your ticket?"

"From my brother"

"And where is your brother?"

"At home. Looking for his ticket."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 06, 2018, 02:31:35 AM
The priest asks Little Johnny if he's scared of Satan.

Little Johnny looks at him quizzically.
"Who, me? Why? It's you the one who talks crap about him every Sunday..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 06, 2018, 02:39:20 AM
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class. The teacher explains that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter. No other animal in the world does this.

Little Johnny's hand shoots up.
"That's not right, Miss!"

"Please explain, Johnny!"

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbor's Great Dane broke in and my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!', and before he could manage to say "FUCK OFF!" the dog bit the crap out of him!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 06, 2018, 02:18:51 PM
Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card."

Johnny: "I don't have it."

Johnny's father: "Why not?"

Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 12, 2018, 03:53:52 AM
It was a great funeral. The country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

After a while the widow leaned over and whispered to Little Johnny:
"Johnny, go up there, take a look in the coffin and make sure that's really Daddy in there."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 12, 2018, 03:58:34 AM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"That's to make myself beautiful, Johnny," replied his mother, and started to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter now?" asked Little Johnny puzzled, "Giving up?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 12, 2018, 04:04:26 AM
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.

10 year old little Johnny answers, a beer in his right hand and a fat cigar in the left.

The salesman asks,
"Hi little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps the ash on the carpet,
"What do you think?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 12, 2018, 09:36:21 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  Good Ones All.....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 15, 2018, 03:47:41 PM
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours.

I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on August 16, 2018, 05:36:14 AM
:thud:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 22, 2018, 05:30:19 AM
One morning at school:

"Now Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word 'hand'."

Johnny considers for a while and then writes,

"My penis in your hand."

"Whaaat??? How you dare, you little..."

"Opps... sorry miss, I forgot the space after 'pen'..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 22, 2018, 05:37:14 AM
Another morning, still the same school:

"Now Suzie, punctuate the following sentence so that it makes full sense:
Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzie thinks for a moment then replies,
"Hmmm, let's see: Fun - period - fun - period - fun - no period - worry worry worry - exclamation mark."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 22, 2018, 05:44:22 AM
A very tired and stressed-looking Mommy and little Johnny are zigzagging on the beach.

After a good quarter of an hour Mommy stops out of breath and turns to Little Johnny:
"Come on Johnny, please try hard and remember where you buried Daddy in the sand, will you?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 22, 2018, 02:15:36 PM
Bwaaaahaaaahaaaa.....Good ones all.   
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 22, 2018, 02:24:36 PM
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
 
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!

Horsy ride!

Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY!

This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 25, 2018, 07:20:19 AM
A priest was talking to a group of kids about being good and going to Heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked,
"So children, where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!", yelled Little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be in order to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead", muttered Little Johnny.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 25, 2018, 07:30:16 AM
The teacher asked little Johnny,
"What’s two and three?"

He counted 1-2-3-4-5 on his fingers and said,
"Five, miss Jones?"

She frowned,
"Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Now put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three".

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around and answered,
"Six, miss Jones?"

She grumbled,
"Yes, that’s right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five"

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around and replied,
"Uh... eleven, miss Jones?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on August 25, 2018, 07:38:17 AM
The teacher asks,
"Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny raises his hand,
"I know, I know, it's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!"

The teacher looks puzzled at him,
"What on Earth are you talking about, Johnny?"


Little Johnny looks hurt,
"But sir, you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 25, 2018, 08:37:43 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   I always wondered why I was always one off when I counted  :tearlaugh:


Good Ones All...
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 25, 2018, 01:22:58 PM
Passing an office building late one night, Little Johnny saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

He did so, and after several minutes he heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The old, uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the kid, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 03, 2018, 01:12:27 PM
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wisecrack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes!

Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 04, 2018, 05:29:48 AM
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who thought a while then said:
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie", replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully", he said.

"Not bad, Michael, though 'beautifully' is an adverb, not an adjective".

Then the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night at dinner my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!' "
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 04, 2018, 05:32:18 AM
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"

"Johnny! How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden?!"


Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 04, 2018, 05:40:48 PM
 :oh-snap: :oh-snap: :oh-snap: :pervy:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 05, 2018, 06:33:02 AM
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off,
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next,
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Excellent, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and without a word dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467" he said rubbing a hand on his lapel.

"$2,467!!!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," explained Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said, 'Puah, this tastes like POOP!' Then I replied, 'It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!' "
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 05, 2018, 10:25:26 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:

Now THAT one IS new to me......just when you think you heard them all....LOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 05, 2018, 10:29:03 AM
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school.

Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?"

"Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 05, 2018, 10:31:37 AM
The first of September, first lesson.

Teacher: "Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand."

Little Johnny immediately raises his hand.

Teacher: "You want to ask something?"

Little Johnny: "No. Just checking how the system works."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 11, 2018, 06:42:49 AM
Little Johnny asks his Aunt,
"Why do you have such a big tummy, Aunt Lisa?"

"Because there's a baby inside, you know."

"Oh... and do you really like babies?"
"I love them, Johnny, especially if they are good!"

Little Johnny makes a face, then runs to his little sister,
"Suzie, for Heaven's sake stay clear of Aunt Lisa!!! I thought she was a vegetarian, but..."


Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 11, 2018, 12:22:26 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Good One....

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 11, 2018, 12:30:30 PM
Little Johnny: Dad,  I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries!  Is it true?
Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 15, 2018, 07:33:49 PM

Johnny : Daddy mama almost died today
Daddy  : She did? Tell me about it.
Johnny : Mama was laying on the couch with no clothes on moving up and down and yelling OH LORD I'M COMING, I'M COMING.
              I swear I thought she was a goner and she would have if uncle Tom wasn't on top of her holding her down.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 15, 2018, 07:50:37 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:......  Love it...and thanks for contributing....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 15, 2018, 08:01:35 PM
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
 
"If I gave you $20," she began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
 
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 15, 2018, 08:54:17 PM
I heard a few Little Johnny jokes in my much younger life but not nearly as many as is hear. I read them all a picked many favorites but this latest made the top of the list.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 16, 2018, 05:05:38 AM
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
 
"If I gave you $20," she began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
 
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"


 :tearlaugh:       :tearlaugh:       :(ROFLMAO:       :funny:       :yeow:       :funny:       :(ROFLMAO:       :tearlaugh:       :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 16, 2018, 05:29:11 AM
I heard a few Little Johnny jokes in my much younger life but not nearly as many as is hear . . .

That may be also due to the fact that children mischievousness is universal but any time and any country has an own Little Johnny, and not all those jokes have been dutifully translated and spread - at least so far :winks:
Here in the sanity of the Attic we do our best to patch up that regrettable sloppiness, and our disparate origins (both in space and time) really help with that.

Moreover I used to be a Little Johnny myself until I grew willy-nilly (nilly, actually) into a taxpayer... :sad:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 16, 2018, 05:36:00 AM
"Daddy, do black olives have legs?"

"Don't be silly Little Johnny, they obviously don't! Olives are just fruits, you know."

"Awww... then you just ate a cockroach!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 16, 2018, 11:48:13 AM
Good one Chiron and a good lead into


Little Johnnys sister Mary runs into the kitchen



Mommy, mommy quick give me a spoon daddy threw up and Johnnys getting all the big pieces.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 16, 2018, 08:48:43 PM

One morning at breakfast little Johnny asked -
Mommy what happened to the scabs on daddy's back. Shut up Johnny and eat your cornflakes.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 17, 2018, 09:29:39 AM
First day of school. The teacher asks each of her new pupils about their families.
Little Johnny's turn comes.
 
 "And what does your Daddy do, Johnny?"
 
 "Daddy's a magician!"
 
 "That must be exciting! What tricks can he do?"
 
 "Very many, miss. But his best is sawing people in half."
 
 "That sounds like a great trick. And tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
 
 "Yes, one half brother and two half sisters."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 17, 2018, 09:33:01 AM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  Bet that cuts the food bills in half...depending on which half is kept....  :shrug:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 17, 2018, 09:37:45 AM
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 17, 2018, 10:57:43 PM

This may only make sense if you are familiar with very old TV commercial jingles


Little Johnny's mom ran out of her favorite cleaning supply and asked Johnny to run to the store and pick up a bottle. It was very hot that day and on the way home little Johnny got thirsty and drank the cleaner. Later that night he died. When he got to the Pearly Gates St. Peter  asked how he got there and little Johnny replied "It's so easy when you use Lestoil".
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 18, 2018, 01:06:12 PM
LOL.....Yup.....Know the Jingle LOLOL   Good one
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 19, 2018, 07:33:16 PM

Little Johnny likes to gamble.


One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.


Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."


So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."


The teacher says OK, she can handle it.


The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."


She says yes I know who you are.


Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."


The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.


She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.


That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.


So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."


The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."


Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 21, 2018, 10:05:39 AM
LOL....Little Johnny is always one step ahead of everyone.....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 21, 2018, 10:17:27 AM
Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 21, 2018, 12:37:55 PM
And to think doctors always tell you the best liquids for you are clear and pure.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 21, 2018, 12:39:11 PM
Exactly LOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 21, 2018, 12:41:42 PM
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on September 21, 2018, 12:59:13 PM
The teacher has a challenge for the class. She asked them to come to the chalk board and draw a picture that represents hunger.


Little Mary comes to the board and draws a circle for a plate and on it a few circles for peas, potatoes, and a chicken leg. The teacher says that's good Mary but it shows someone about to eat.


Bobby is next and he draws a circle with a fish skeleton on it. The teacher says that is nice but it shows that someone has eaten.


Little Johnny comes to the board he draws a big circle with a vertical line down the center a very small circle on the line in the middle of the large circle and a dozen squiggly lines from the small circle to the edge of the outer circle. He sets down the chalk an proudly walks back to his desk.


The teacher studies the art for some time and finally turns to Johnny and asks what it is.


Johnny stands up chest puffed out a smile on his face and says That is a man's butt hole with cobwebs and if that's not hunger I don't know what is.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 21, 2018, 01:56:34 PM
Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa.....  Yup....that's hunger.....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on September 25, 2018, 10:52:59 AM
"Mommy, I don't like grandma, really!"

 "Then eat only the potatoes!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 25, 2018, 03:31:23 PM
 :hallo: :drinkonus:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 25, 2018, 03:37:37 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on September 28, 2018, 03:51:47 PM
Little Johnny and Silly Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is not! He is not!" yelled Little Johnny.

"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the same thing more than once."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on September 28, 2018, 03:53:36 PM
:thud:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 02, 2018, 06:11:50 PM

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.


One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"


When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.


A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.


Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"


The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on October 02, 2018, 06:27:55 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 03, 2018, 09:39:46 AM
 :grimdance: :dancing_skeleton: :drinkonus:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on October 04, 2018, 04:05:40 AM
Mommy is in the kitchen from where she can hear Little Johnny play with his toy train in the living room. She hears the train stop and Johnny say,
"All you mean assholes who want to get off the train should get the hell out immediately. And as for the morons who are getting aboard, move your asses 'cause we have to get going".
 
 Shocked by such a rude language she rushes to the living room,
"Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in this house! As a punishment you now go upstairs to your room for two hours, then if you mind your language you can play with your train again."
 

 Two hours later Johnny is back playing with his train. The train stops and she hears him say,
"To all the passengers about to leave the train, thank you for traveling with us and please don't forget your luggage. We hope you had a pleasant journey. To our new travelers I wish to welcome you aboard. Please find a seat before we start again."
 
A proud smile appears on Mommy's face, then she hears Little Johnny add,
"And if any of you assholes are pissed off because of the two hour delay, feel free to take it out on the fat bitch in the kitchen".
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on October 04, 2018, 05:43:50 AM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 04, 2018, 12:15:17 PM
Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."


Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 04, 2018, 12:16:30 PM
Teacher tells little Johnny off, "You know very well you can't sleep in my class, Johnny."

Johnny admits, "Yes, I know miss. But maybe, if you didn't speak quite so loud, I could."

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on October 07, 2018, 04:41:52 AM
Little Johnny's Christmas prayer:

"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
 Amen."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 07, 2018, 12:32:16 PM
 :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 13, 2018, 09:48:33 PM

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."
Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.
But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.
Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.
his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.
Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 14, 2018, 01:45:02 PM
 :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 14, 2018, 02:06:49 PM
Mother, "Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you'll get kids who will be very naughty to you!"

Johnny, "Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, haven't you?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 14, 2018, 02:21:18 PM
  :sure:   :thissmall:   :funny:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on October 15, 2018, 10:46:39 AM
Too few children, the village school had to close down. So Little Johnny must go to school in the nearby town.
 
 On his first day he's looking through a book of animals with the teacher. He promptly identifies the most exotic ones - elephant, tiger, giraffe, penguin, even a koala.
 
 Then they come to the picture of a cow and Little Johnny looks a bit puzzled.
"Come on Johnny," says the teacher, "you live on a farm, you must know what this one is!"
 
 Little Johnny looks quite uncertain. He looks again, and again, and again, then eventually offers,
 "Uh, maybe Freisan cross Holstein?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 29, 2018, 05:50:30 PM

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 30, 2018, 02:02:40 PM
LOLOL.....Good Ones......  :AEN:

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 30, 2018, 02:10:57 PM
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy.

When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick.

When Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.

Little Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 30, 2018, 03:51:18 PM
 :duh:  That's what you get when you ask a juvenile delinquent a dumb question.   :thumb_up: :funny:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 30, 2018, 04:36:24 PM
My thoughts exactly......   :thud:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 02, 2018, 04:44:12 PM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 02, 2018, 04:44:40 PM

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 02, 2018, 05:29:02 PM
 :grpwave: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 12, 2018, 10:37:05 PM

Early one morning as school was starting the teacher called out to her students to get ready to make their presentations. She had asked the students to write about something important that happened in their families the night before. She asked who wanted to go first and Terry and little Johnny raised their hands. She called on Terry first because Little Johnny had a tendency to be fowl mouthed Terry gave his presentation and went back to his seat. Little Johnny walked up to the board and drew a dot and then walked back to his seat. The teacher after pondering over this for a minute finally asked what it was and Little Johnny said it was a period and the teacher said yes I can see that but what does it mean.
Little Johnny said, "The hell if I know, but last night at dinner when my sister told my parents she missed one Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the drug store owner on the corner shot himself.”
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on November 13, 2018, 08:03:19 AM
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
 
 "You are big enough, you need to use 'big people' words," she'd always reminded them.
 
 Then she asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

 "I went to visit my Nana."
 
 "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
 
 She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
 
 She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
 
 She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.

"I read a book", he replied.
 
 "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
 
 Little Johnny considered for a while, then puffed out his little chest with great pride,
"Winnie the Shit."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2018, 11:55:53 AM
  :yesway:  Good Ones......
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2018, 11:58:38 AM
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2018, 12:02:02 PM
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton.

She replies, "A bush."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower.

He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?"

His father replies, "It is a snake."

A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."

A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 13, 2018, 01:42:09 PM

The teacher asks her class, what do you call some one who keeps on talking even though no body else is interested anymore?
Little Johnny shouts eagerly, A teacher.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2018, 03:02:08 PM
Bwaaaaahaaaahaaa......Good one.....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 21, 2018, 03:16:48 PM

Little Johnny asks his dad one day, "Dad, can you buy me a bicycle for my birthday?" "I'm sorry Johnny, but I've just lost my job and we still owe the bank $80,000 for the house. We just can't afford to buy you a new bike."
The next morning Johnny's dad sees him walking out the front door with his suitcase. He asks him where he's going and Johnny tells him, "Last night I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, but she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here with a $80,000 mortgage and no f....g bike."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 21, 2018, 06:07:41 PM
Too right
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 01, 2018, 04:07:45 PM
Little Johnny's folks had a farm with a few head of cattle and several acres of crops. The morning started like every day. The family sat down to breakfast, papa would wait till he finished eating and then relaxed with a cup of coffee before heading to the field. On this morning papa went to the fridge to get cream for his coffee. Johnny he said I'm giving you a new chore starting today I want you to see this picture stays filled with cream. Yes papa replied Johnny and he headed to the barn. He returned shortly with the cream. Papa had his coffee and went to the field. Later that day mama called them all in for lunch. Papa ate his lunch and took his cup of coffee to the front porch. Johnny was in his usual spot on the step. As papa sipped his coffee he looked over at the pasture were the cattle were. What is up with that crazy bull he asked Johnny, he has been prancing around and doing what looks like a happy dance all day. Danged if I know replied Johnny, he started that this morning right after I mlked him for that cream in your coffee.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 01, 2018, 04:35:10 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 01, 2018, 05:00:00 PM
 :tearlaugh: :grpwave: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :Hi5:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 01, 2018, 05:02:46 PM
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm playing cards."

"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 01, 2018, 05:48:54 PM
:tearlaugh: :pervy:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 01, 2018, 06:04:32 PM
sounds like a straight flush to me  :shh2:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 01, 2018, 06:19:25 PM
The sound you hear is no one disagreeing with you
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 01, 2018, 08:02:35 PM
 :thumb_up:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 31, 2018, 12:20:52 AM

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said.
"You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 31, 2018, 03:53:45 AM
 :OMFG:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2018, 06:08:53 PM
 :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2018, 06:12:21 PM
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after "O"?'
Johnny says, "Yeah!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 31, 2018, 06:13:10 PM
Why am I not surprised
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 31, 2018, 06:15:32 PM
Got to like the positive attitude. ... Positively sarcastic.   :thumb_up:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2018, 06:16:17 PM
LOLOL.......Yupppers....
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2018, 06:16:58 PM
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 31, 2018, 06:20:11 PM
Lesson learned, if I thought like that in school I would never got beaten up for being a nerd.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2018, 06:35:15 PM
You and me both LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on January 16, 2019, 06:56:51 PM

"What would you like for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny's dad.
"Tampons!" boomed Little Johnny.
Johnny's dad was shocked!
"Tampons? What could you possibly need tampons for?!"
"Well..." began Johnny, "I saw an ad on TV that said with a tampon, I'll be able to go cycling, swimming, and even skiing!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on January 18, 2019, 05:26:24 PM

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on January 18, 2019, 05:40:29 PM
:thumb_up:

For sure
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on January 20, 2019, 07:00:56 PM

One morning, a firefighter came to Little Johnny's classroom to give a safety presentation.
He held up a smoke alarm and asked the class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, and the firefighter called on him to answer.
"That's the bell that tells mom that supper is ready!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on January 20, 2019, 07:10:16 PM
:yikes:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 21, 2019, 12:53:32 PM
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet.

He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.

She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, sitting in the back of the room.

He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a damn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"


Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on January 21, 2019, 01:12:58 PM
:woohoo:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on January 21, 2019, 03:59:08 PM
i really like that kids can do attitude.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on January 24, 2019, 03:23:14 PM

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on January 24, 2019, 03:27:16 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on January 24, 2019, 06:50:20 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  :viking:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on February 03, 2019, 09:58:13 PM

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.


She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."


Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.


Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."


The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"


To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.


On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.


Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on February 04, 2019, 04:21:46 AM
Snicker
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 04, 2019, 10:13:05 AM
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.

He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.

He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on February 04, 2019, 10:21:20 AM
 :OMFG:     :nopanic;   :thud:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Chiron on February 07, 2019, 12:41:37 PM
"Do you like that book you're reading, Little Johnny?"

"I dunno Granny... sort of boring, and no pictures, and so many funny words..."

"What's it about?"

"Uh, a lady Chat or something, and a, uh... videogamekeeper..."

"JOHNNY! Where did you get it??? That's definitely no kids' stuff!"

"I-it was in Granpa's lib'ry... but Granny, what's exactly a 'lover'?"

"Now listen little chap, you're not supp... OH DEAR GOD!!!!"


The old little lady slaps her forehead, stands up abruptly, runs to the bedroom holding her breath, opens an old squeaky cabinet...
... and an ancient brittle skeleton collapses clattering to her feet.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on February 09, 2019, 05:11:54 PM

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.


 "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." Johnny's mother says.


"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 09, 2019, 05:38:23 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :opr8:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 09, 2019, 05:41:46 PM
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.

Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 09, 2019, 05:44:03 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on February 09, 2019, 06:25:30 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  I am glad Little Johnny is up on his anatomy.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on February 09, 2019, 06:33:27 PM
My father told me a man should buy a black tuxedo for his wedding to signify giving up his freedom and so he has some thing to wear at his funeral if he gets caught not giving up that freedom.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on February 10, 2019, 09:48:23 AM
I was told the same thing LOLOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 05, 2019, 07:30:38 PM

My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."
I said, "I don't know about that Miss.
Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on March 06, 2019, 05:25:38 AM
:tearlaugh: :pervy:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 06, 2019, 03:08:11 PM
 :tearlaugh: :toast:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 06, 2019, 03:16:59 PM
Little Susie comes home from school and tells her Mom that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.

Mom said: "Don't do that again..... The boys only want to see your knickers!"

Susie said: "I know,  which is why I put them in my schoolbag!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 06, 2019, 04:51:16 PM
 :(ROFLMAO:  It is so cool when the gals out smart the guys,    :omg:  poor mom.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 06, 2019, 06:06:20 PM
I wish the girls I asked to do cartwheels when I was younger were that smart LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 06, 2019, 06:12:47 PM
Little Johnnie and Lil' Susie, each ten years old, decided to get married. So Johnnie went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnnie, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?"

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough," Johnnie replied confidently.

Getting exasperated since Johnnie seemed to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along before you're ready?"

"Well," said Johnnie, "we've been lucky so far"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 06, 2019, 07:03:56 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  A smart dad knows when to leave it alone.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 06, 2019, 07:20:31 PM

The teacher asked Johnny, "What is sex?"
Johnny stood up and said: "Sex is a temptation that cause a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 06, 2019, 07:57:43 PM
 :lostme: :thud:  :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 07, 2019, 09:40:18 PM

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 08, 2019, 05:35:06 PM

During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide.
Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me."
He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 08, 2019, 08:36:04 PM
Gotta love the first one....out of the mouth of babes......Bwaaaaahaaahaa

Both were  :toast:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 08, 2019, 08:38:07 PM
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 08, 2019, 09:00:17 PM
 :thumb_up:  Got to love a well trained class.   :funny: 
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 11, 2019, 04:47:39 PM

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on March 11, 2019, 09:29:00 PM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 13, 2019, 11:49:00 AM
 :toast:  :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 14, 2019, 07:01:25 AM
One morning little Johnny comes walking down the stairs to find his breakfast not on the table.

He looks over at his mother and says "Hey mom, where is my breakfast?"

His mother looks at him and says "Well, you won't get your breakfast until you finish your chores."

Johnny walks out of the house and heads down to the barn to do his chores.

He goes in an gets the chicken feed and walks into the pens. All the chickens quickly gather around him not letting him get to the food bowl so he kicks one of them out of the way and pours it on the ground.

Next, he gets the pig feed and goes in to feed the pigs. Once again, all the pigs gather around him. So, he kicks one out of the way and pours it on the ground.

Finally, he grabs the cow's feed and walks into the pen and the milk cow corners him. He kicks her out of the way and pours the food on the ground.

Happy that he was finally finished he races into the house to eat breakfast. Upon getting to the table he finds a plate with a piece of toast on it. He turns to his mother and says "Where is the rest of it?"

"Well, you kicked the chickens so you get no eggs, you kicked the pigs so you get no sausage, and you kicked the cow so you get no milk."

About that time Johnny's father comes walking down the stairs and finds the pussy cat sitting right in the middle of the stair case. So, he kicks him out of the way.

Little Johhny turns to his mother and says "You want me to tell him or are you going to?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 14, 2019, 11:28:51 AM
Got to feel for Johnny's dad. Johnny will survive a day without a big breakfast. Not so sure pop can go a night without his ...
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 14, 2019, 11:32:27 AM
Probably not.... LOL :pervy:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 14, 2019, 11:40:06 AM
If my granddad ever saw you abuse an animal he would pay you back big time. My uncle kicked at his big old mutt one morning and grandpa gave my uncle a swift kick to the bottom, square and hard. My uncle jumped and yelled " NO FAIR I Missed ". You missed on purpose asked grandpa. Everyone knew you should and never could lie to him, so my uncle answered truthfully, no not on purpose. Grandpa paused a moment and said to my uncle get in the truck. He turned to my grandmother and said hold our breakfast, I'm taking the boy to the eye doctor he is in bad need of glasses.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 14, 2019, 12:03:54 PM
Not many get an eye exam and a kick in the butt at the same time LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 15, 2019, 03:02:12 PM

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 15, 2019, 04:21:29 PM
Ewwwwwwww.......:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  :toast:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 15, 2019, 04:23:13 PM
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something.

The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world.", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny and says, "Now you know that's not true son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true. But one drop of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 15, 2019, 04:40:32 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   vroom vroom little kitty
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 17, 2019, 03:02:02 PM
One weekend little Johnny and his dad go camping. On the first day they caught a good number of trout. After making a hearty evening meal out of those trout Johnny's dad declares "if you eat like a bear you need to go like one." He grabs a roll of TP from the tent and heads off behind a tree.


After a short time Johnny hears a horrible scream. Dad comes running out of the bushes yelling Johnny a snake bit me on the butt, what do we do. Dad checks his cell phone, no service. Johnny dad says take my phone climb that tree and call the doctor find out what to do. Johnny does as he is told and reaches the doctor. The doctor told him to calm down and relax. He asked if he had a knife. He did. Take your knife a make a cut between the two fang marks, lock your lips tightly and securely around the wound and suck out the poison. Johnny hurries down the tree and races back to dad. Dad asks all excited "Johnny what did the doctor say." Johnny is huffing and puffing all out of breath. He pauses draws in some air and shouts "DAD, YOUR GOING TO DIE."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on March 17, 2019, 03:08:39 PM
Saw that coming :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 17, 2019, 03:11:04 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:    :toast:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 17, 2019, 03:20:20 PM
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly.

She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers.

The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said,  "Ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on March 17, 2019, 03:27:58 PM
:thumb_up:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on March 17, 2019, 03:36:03 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 25, 2019, 05:16:49 PM
Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day.

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 29, 2019, 03:38:12 PM
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is used for?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how we know that supper is ready!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on April 01, 2019, 06:16:19 PM
Teacher asked : Why are you late for school?

Johnny: Because of the Sign.

Teacher : What Sign?

Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on May 09, 2019, 06:06:41 PM
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on May 22, 2019, 01:36:58 PM
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine!

What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on May 30, 2019, 07:53:07 PM
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on June 17, 2019, 06:29:16 PM
A kindergarten teacher asked her students what part of the body grew 10x its size when stimulated.

All of the students stayed quiet until Little Susie stood up and said, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy what you're teaching us!"

The teacher didn't answer her and asked the class again, "What part of the body grows 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Susie began to turn red in the face and said, "My parents are going to tell the principal and have you fired!"

Again, the teacher ignored her and asked a third time, with Little Mikey finally saying, "The pupil of the eye."

The teacher said, "You're correct, Little Mikey.

"And as for you, Little Susie:

"One, you have a dirty mind.

"Two, you didn't do your homework.

"And three, you're going to be *very* disappointed one day."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on June 17, 2019, 06:33:27 PM
Yes, she will indeed :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on June 27, 2019, 03:06:58 PM
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home, I just want her to stay with you guys."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on June 27, 2019, 03:08:28 PM

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on June 27, 2019, 07:43:29 PM
 :tearlaugh: :toast:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 03, 2019, 03:24:14 PM
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on July 03, 2019, 04:43:14 PM
 :funny: :duh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 09, 2019, 12:17:28 PM
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 09, 2019, 12:20:25 PM
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on July 09, 2019, 03:46:26 PM
 :puah:   :crazysmile:   :thud:  good ones all
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on July 09, 2019, 04:06:28 PM

Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
Did you copy hers?, she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on July 09, 2019, 04:07:02 PM

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.
'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'
'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.
'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on July 09, 2019, 05:30:23 PM
:tearlaugh: on all of the above great ones
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on July 09, 2019, 06:47:25 PM
:yesway:  Good ones DLL......  :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 07, 2019, 08:38:32 PM
Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

"Susie, wait until we've said our prayer," her mother reminded her.

"I don't have to." - The little girl replied.

"Of course you do." - Her mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Susie explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 07, 2019, 08:40:02 PM
Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

"You know," Grandma said, "it's not so bad.  Skipper's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stops crying and asks, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 07, 2019, 08:46:34 PM
A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems.

She asks little Susie,  "If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?"

Susie: "5, I'm not going to give them away."

Teacher: "Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of them, how many would you have?"

Susie: "5...and a dead body."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on August 07, 2019, 09:11:01 PM
 :tearlaugh:  and the teacher has been taught  :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on August 07, 2019, 09:14:28 PM
If little Susie teams up with little Johnny we could all get schooled
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on August 08, 2019, 08:51:56 AM
Believe me...they have teamed up a time or two and chaos erupted throughout LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 21, 2019, 11:19:54 AM
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face and told her Mom,

"Franky Brown showed me his willy today."

Before her Mom could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."

With a secret smile Mom asked, "Was it really small ?"

Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 21, 2019, 12:56:10 PM
 :omg: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:



Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing.
My Daddy can eat six."
Little Johnny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind.
They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Johnny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 21, 2019, 01:20:05 PM
Sound legitimate to me LOLOLOLOL
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 26, 2019, 02:05:05 PM

Little Johnny went to school one day and walked up to his beautiful teacher. He removed his hat and he was as bald as bald could be.The teacher was momentarily stunned by this and asked Johnny what happened to your hair. I shaved it all off he replied. Why asked the teacher. I heard my dad telling our neighbor that going bald was the best thing that ever happened to him. Young women loved and admired it. They said it looked as smooth as a newborn baby's bottom and felt so smooth as well. He said they could not get enough of caressing and kissing the baldness. The teacher reached over a stroked Johnny's head. Well I must admit it looks good and feels great She maessaged the scalp gently and gave him a kiss right in the middle. I must admit it feels really good she said softly I can't pull myself away.
At that moment Johnny took a step back and started to remove his pants, "want to see what else I shaved" he said in his youthful coy voice.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 26, 2019, 04:28:26 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on October 26, 2019, 05:34:16 PM
10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating "Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW.

So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating "Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed.

He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams "I GOT IT !!!!!!"

Johnny peels off all of his clothes, lies naked on his bed and started to rub all over himself repeating "Oh, I need a bike! Ohhhh I need a bike!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on October 26, 2019, 05:54:29 PM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on October 26, 2019, 08:43:37 PM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
I saw it coming and still spilled my coffee.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on October 26, 2019, 08:46:05 PM
At least I didn't spill my :sake:

Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2019, 01:12:28 PM
Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3.   Across the middle leaves a 0."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2019, 01:17:00 PM
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 13, 2019, 02:39:37 PM
 ;perplexed: :whatthe: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:


 :luv5: :yesway: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 13, 2019, 03:12:03 PM
Indeed ... now where did I write that number down :ummm:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 13, 2019, 03:57:05 PM
I think dll wrote it down on his hand......
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 13, 2019, 08:39:37 PM
Dang you are correct and than I washed my hands before supper.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 13, 2019, 09:51:07 PM
RATS
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 14, 2019, 09:52:35 AM
 :haha: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 23, 2019, 07:29:53 PM
Little Johnny's class is learning about good sleeping habits.
The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.
Cindy raises her hand and says
"I have a lot of nightmares so I often don't get a good sleep."
The teacher asks
"and what can you do to improve that?"
Cindy replies "I can stop reading scary stories before bed, that's what my mom told my brother to do when she found out he was having nightmares."
The teacher says "very good, Cindy! Who's next?"
Albert puts up his hand and says
"I've been sleeping in too much lately because I'm too tired in the morning."
"And what can you do to improve that?" the teacher asks.
Albert responds "I can go to sleep earlier, that's what my mom told my sister to do when she kept sleeping in."
The teacher says "that's great Albert! Anyone else?"
Little Johnny puts up his hand and says
"I've been sleeping over at my friends houses a lot, and I just don't sleep as well as I do in my own bed."
The teacher asks "what can you do to improve that?"
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says
"I guess I can go f*ck myself, that's what my mom told my dad to do when she found out he was sleeping around all over town."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 23, 2019, 07:42:40 PM
One day Little Johnny went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens.
Little Johnny went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.
Little Johnny asked for both.
So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pullet."
Little Johnny got confused, and asked him what he meant.
The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pullet is a female chicken."
Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale.
He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.
The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."
Little Johnny replied,
"No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass."
Little Johnny, new to these terms, just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out,
"Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
So Little Johnny is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move.
He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.
So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell at the donkey.
While he is doing this a beautiful woman walks up and asks him if he needs help.
Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try to impress this beautiful woman by using my new terms that I learned today.
So Little Johnny turns to the woman and says,  "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 23, 2019, 07:48:16 PM
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub.
He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton.
She replies, "A bush."
The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower.
He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?"
His father replies, "It is a snake."
A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub.
He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?"
She replies, "Headlights."
A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 23, 2019, 07:56:07 PM
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.
The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter.
Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind.
The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack.
"Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?"
"Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?"
Little Johnny says, "but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on November 23, 2019, 08:03:16 PM
Little Johnny is in class.
The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter.
They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W"
so she calls on him.
"Womb", Little Johnny says.
"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says.
"Is that as in, where babies come from?" she asks.
"No," says Johnny, "that's the sound elephants make when they're screwing, you know,
Womb! Womb! Womb!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on November 24, 2019, 01:13:49 AM
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  A great ending to a great day.
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on November 24, 2019, 10:01:44 AM
Loved them all....way cool "J"..... :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 11, 2019, 03:18:06 PM
Little Johnny went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Scouseaphrenia on December 15, 2019, 04:48:12 PM
TeeHee
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 30, 2019, 10:25:47 AM
Little Johnny and Little Suzy were watching the New Years Eve shows on TV when Little Suzy whispered in Little Johnny's ear, " I don't think I'll be able to stay up to see the Ball Drop".

Little Johnny looks over at the babysitter who is already nodding off and whispers in Little Suzy's ear....."You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: Jherrith on December 30, 2019, 10:30:44 AM
:tearlaugh:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: deeleelaw57 on December 30, 2019, 12:05:25 PM
 :heeheehee: :letusboogie: :tearlaugh:        While we are on the subject


Little Johnny and his family are watching a New Years Celebration on TV. Pop was catching his year ending nap, mom was in the kitchen popping corn and Johnny was in front of the TV. Mom called to little Johnny and asked 'has the ball dropped'. Johnny reaches down pants and gives his privates a tug. He then looks over at pop and yells back to mom 'mine are still in place, not sure about pop and if I reach down his pants he may wake up.'


Mom dropped the popcorn.  :omg:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 31, 2019, 12:11:54 PM
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   :partytimes:
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 26, 2021, 02:18:39 PM
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on April 26, 2022, 12:58:04 PM
Teacher: "What a strange pair of socks Johnny, one of your socks is green and the other is red."

Johnny: "Yes, it is very strange. I have another pair at home exactly the same."
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on April 26, 2022, 01:01:05 PM
Little Johnny is sitting in church and getting extremely bored and restless as the preacher's long and dull sermon as it drags on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leans over to his dad and whispers in his ear, "Hey,  if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 11, 2023, 08:36:31 AM
At the dinner table, Little Johnny’s father asks him to pray.

Little Johnny prays, “Dear God, please send clothes to the naked ladies in Daddy’s computer.”
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on March 11, 2023, 08:42:58 AM
Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to stand if they feel stupid.

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Does it get lonely standing alone?”
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 22, 2023, 11:11:32 AM
A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?
Title: Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
Post by: thelufias on December 22, 2023, 11:16:59 AM
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.

"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"

**Dinner was canceled!**