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Author Topic: JOKE OF THE DAY  (Read 78577 times)

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Offline thelufias

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JOKE OF THE DAY
« on: August 14, 2008, 04:39:18 AM »
To keep the forums from growing to wild how about we do the "DAILY JOKE" in here..........I do love GR's Jokes so she should have fun in here.... :Cup:

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers :

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
 
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
 
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
 
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
 
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
 
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
We Shall Stand

Offline thelufias

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2008, 05:26:32 AM »
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
 
 He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
We Shall Stand

Offline Jherrith

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2008, 02:08:16 PM »
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
'What happened?' the man asks. 'You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?'
The cockatiel pants, 'Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?'
"But who is stronger, truly, I asked myself, he who continues to wound and bleed himself to please others, or he who refuses any longer to do so?"

Fighting Slave of Gor by John Norman

Offline MidnightStorm

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2008, 02:44:04 PM »
LMAO!!!! Too funny!!!  Hubby thinks so too.....hehehehehe

*hugs*
Stormi
 Between the world we see and the things we fear... there are doors. That when they are opened.... nightmares become reality.....

Offline AngellsGraphics

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2008, 06:22:36 PM »
That's why cars should run on alchohol.

Offline AngellsGraphics

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2008, 03:02:20 AM »
 :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :waveass:

Offline thelufias

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2008, 07:38:57 AM »
The computer swallowed grandad,
Yes, honestly its true!
He pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
He must have caught a virus,
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin,
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves,
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,
My Grandad you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him,
And send him back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandads who have been fearless and . ..

learned to use the Computer.... ..........

They are the greatest!!!
We Shall Stand

Offline AngellsGraphics

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2008, 05:15:29 PM »
A True Story,
Last week some friends were celebrating their 30th aniversary. The hubby took his wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Afterwards he surprised her with a drive to Niagara Falls. He knew they hadn't been there in a long time. While on Goat Island area of the falls  he pulled over his car and said to the wife lets neck, like we did when we were young. Now it was getting  near dark out. No sooner did they start necking , a flashlight shone in their face. The cop asked for their ID and took their licenses back to the car, they looked at eachother and had a hard time holding back the laughter. After a few minutes the cop came back a little embarrased. He said you can go anywhere but you can't stay here. They drove off laughing all the way home.

Offline thelufias

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2008, 06:26:21 PM »
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  Electric Fence indeed....Good one Lee......

And I can believe that being a true story Angells.....that must have been a hoot.  Been to goat island a couple of times...for various reasons LOL....
We Shall Stand

Offline AngellsGraphics

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2008, 06:28:42 PM »
And I bet you weren't there to see the goats. :dr_ani:

Offline Jherrith

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2008, 06:31:49 PM »
Oh man that is to easy, like shooting fish in a barrel

Snicker

 Only needs a mirror to do that right?
"But who is stronger, truly, I asked myself, he who continues to wound and bleed himself to please others, or he who refuses any longer to do so?"

Fighting Slave of Gor by John Norman

Offline thelufias

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2008, 06:49:43 PM »
As a matter of fact Angells.....I wasn't searching for goats.......But I did spy "J" and his date there...... 

Hummmm, Maybe I did find goats after all...... OLD GOATS that is....... :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO:

(Ummmm, is that kinda like the pot calling the kettle black????)
We Shall Stand

Offline Jherrith

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2008, 07:32:08 PM »
Methinks that would be correct  :(ROFLMAO:
"But who is stronger, truly, I asked myself, he who continues to wound and bleed himself to please others, or he who refuses any longer to do so?"

Fighting Slave of Gor by John Norman

Offline thelufias

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2008, 05:24:19 AM »
MATRIMONY?


You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________


 


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'   


 


__________


 


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'


 


__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


 


__________


 


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


 


__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'


 


__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


 


__________


 


Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'


 


__________


 


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


 


__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.   
__________   


 


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


 


__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


 


_________
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE!!!


 
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the  hell up.'
We Shall Stand

Offline Jherrith

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2008, 03:58:46 PM »
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


'Your card! Show him Your card!'
"But who is stronger, truly, I asked myself, he who continues to wound and bleed himself to please others, or he who refuses any longer to do so?"

Fighting Slave of Gor by John Norman

 

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